My first entry

TW // Weight, Suicidal, Rape

Let’s talk about childhood, shall we? Ah, the good years *please note the sarcasm* I’m gonna start at the age of 4.. get yourself some popcorn, something to drink, because that’s gonna be a mess and there will be some tea spilled..and trauma 😌

When I was 4, my sperm donor thought, it’s a good idea to leave me (I still don’t know the real reason but apparently it was my fault) and get married. I still to this day remember, how devastated I was and the many hours I cried and had nightmares. Everytime I visited his parents, I got reminded that I’m not welcomed in his life anymore. Whenever I got picked up from there, I broke down crying and my Mom never knew what to say, except that it’s okay and we’re better off without him..

After some years you’d think I was over it and wasn’t phased anymore by visiting my grandparents and get told everytime how happy he was, he also got 2 daughters in 2010, that he loved dearly 🙂 I also had 2 cousins and they were loved..like really loved. Whenever I visited and they were here, I got pushed back and mostly ignored. They were in the focus and literally got anything they wanted. I hated it. I knew that I’m actually no longer welcomed, but they still invited me because I’m “family”. And if I visited without my cousins coming, they were the main topic. Doesn’t matter what I told them (where I was on vacation etc),they bragged about my cousins. I then decided to finally cut them out of my life and I slowly started to get mentally better.. If they really would’ve wanted me to stay, they would’ve reached out to me a long time ago..I mean we all have Facebook..

2004, (6 yrs before I cut dad’s side out) was when my Mom got a boyfriend..she had some bfs before, but this one was more serious. After a few months, they decided to move in together and I obviously had to move in too. I hated him, not sure if the reason was because I still was traumatised because of my Dad. He also got a son, but that’s a different topic. Well, after moving in, he decided to tell me continuously that I’m fat and needed to loose weight..(I was 9 years old..) He put me on a diet and I was no longer allowed to eat sweets and other stuff that had high calories. Whenever I came home from my Grandparents (mom’s side), he was waiting for me and forced me to step on the scale, to see how much I gained over the weekend. My Mom always looked away and never interfered because “he was just looking out for me”

I got bullied in school, like everyone else I guess, but when I lost all the weight, the cool kids wanted me in their group. Unfortunately I was stupid enough and agreed because who didn’t want to be with them. We had fun times ofc, but 1 year before school was over, I dropped out of their group because I hated it. They treated people wrong and I just didn’t like how they acted in general. That’s when hell started. They called me in the middle of the night (anonymously ofc), even tried to punch me and got the whole school against me. I had no friends left. At this time, I was not allowed to go outside because I did something wrong and my Stepdad (yeah they married in 2007 and the weeding was awful) loved punishing me. I sometimes sneaked outside and called my Grandparents (mom side) on the cellphones that were outside on the streets..My mental health was so bad, that I called them to say goodbye because I wanted to k word. Unfortunately some neighbours snitched and I got into more trouble. My Stepbrother was no help either, he and his friends always came in my room and started harassing me. He even laid down on me and a friend took a picture. The whole school saw the picture the next day and assumed that I slept with him. He even came into my room one night and wanted to steal some panties out of my drawers but I catched him and he got grounded. But not everything was bad at their house, I sometimes got the chance to see some parts of the world and even got piercings so thanks I guess

2010 was when I finally escaped to my Grandparents (Mom’s side) this was also the year I cut all contact to my dad’s side) they tried to put me into therapy because a few months before I moved to them, they got a very concering letter, where I again told them that I’m tired and I don’t want to live anymore. The Psychiatric was trash. Literal trash. He made me even more insecure and told everyone that I just needed attention. But my Grandparents thankfully believed me. After moving to them, I unfortunately gained all the weight back and got overweight. I struggled even more with my self esteem but it was manageable. My Mom was so mad at me,that we didn’t talk for a year.. and when she finally reached out again, I got to know that she finally divorced this scumbag (sorry for the bad word but that’s relatively harmless)

2011 was the year I finally got my first Tattoo and my Mom even came with me, which was a nice surprise because like I said before, we haven’t seen eachother for so long. My Grandparents weren’t really happy about it tho. They were suspicious and avoided her as much as possible, but I’m a family person so I tried everything I could, and they made up. I even got my first real best friend (and we’re still going strong <3). Unfortunately my Grandparents were and still are very possessive, so everyone who spent a lot of time with me, were instantly not good and I should unfriend/avoid them, but I never listened. Everytime I got a new piercing or tattoo, they said that my best friend forced me to and they began to dislike her, which made me mad and we often began to have little fights about it. I felt like in prison once again. 2012 was one of the worst year for me, I finally got the courage to speak to boys after working on myself and the first guy I spoke to, who was very nice back then, wanted to meet me the next day just to get to know me. When we met, he was a bit confused why my bff was with me, but I didn’t trust him enough. He asked me to go with him for a walk and when we were far away, so my bff couldn’t see us anymore, he raped me. After he was done, he got into a toilet to clean up, I picked my stuff and ran. I pulled my bff with me and told her everything. I still see her face in front of me. Both crying and she was mad as hell. I never told anyone what happened, just a few (maybe 3?) that I thought I could trust. 2013 was then the year I finally had enough and moved to my Mom. December came and my best friend and I traveled to Toronto,Canada for New Year. It was really nice and very cold, haha.

2014-2020 wasn’t really that interesting, I got lots of Tattoos and Piercings, dropped out of school twice because of my mental health. Travelled around the world, got my heart broken multiple times and wanted to kill myself 3 times in these years but my best friend was always there for me and catched me before I fell to deep.

My worst habit is, that I’m getting attached too easily. We could write for some days and I’m already so deep into it. This always scares people away, and I understand that obviously. I definitely think it’s because I’m still not over my Dad leaving. That’s probably why. But that’s who I am. Maybe because of that, I will never find my other half, or maybe that’s why I’m getting played so often because I always fall for the promises and see just the good side. But why can’t they just say from the beginning on, that they’re not interested in long term stuff? Would be so much easier for me.

The only good thing that has happened in 2020 was, that I finally start my dream job next year. I’m becoming a Piercer and I’m motivated and excited. Hopefully the last few months in 2020 will be nice and there won’t be any surprises anymore.

If you’re still reading, thank you so so much. This is the first time, that I openly tell you about my life. Even if it’s probably boring for some. Still thank you.

xxx Nicole

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